Friday, June 3, 2016

The Child I Never Held

Infertility. I don’t even like reading the word, much less saying it. Maybe it’s because it’s brought me so much pain. Pain I can’t even describe. Pain that no one understands unless you’ve been through it.

I never imagined I would experience second infertility as I held my baby girl in my arms. I fell in love with her immediately. She was all I dreamed of and much more.  I had no problems getting pregnant the first time.

As our baby girl grew, my husband and I sensed it was time to start trying for a second child. After a few months of trying I remember telling myself to be patient since sometimes it takes awhile. I didn’t get too anxious and thought maybe the stress of moving to another country was the cause. We continued to pray and trust God.

People started asking us why we didn’t have another child. At first it didn’t bother me them asking those kind of personal questions. I would smile and say, “Only God knows!”
But as time went on and on and on, month after month, year after year, I began to loose hope. I started wrestling with God. Asking questions like, “Why am I not getting pregnant?” “Am I doing something wrong?” “Do I not deserve another child?” “Doesn’t our daughter have a right to have a sibling?”

I started becoming more concerned about my cycle. But each month it kept getting harder and harder to be motivated enough to take my temperature and write details about my cycle in my notebook.

I prayed and prayed and prayed. Other's prayed. Our daughter prayed. I was anointed. I told God, "if you're not going to answer my prayers, maybe you could answer my mother's prayers, PLEASE!" 

I remember a particular month sitting on the toilet having realized that my period came, AGAIN! I cried and cried and cried and cried. I yelled, “God, I’m not sure I believe in you anymore! I know you could easily make me pregnant, why don’t you!!!” I felt completely abounded by God. I felt like He didn’t care. I didn’t feel His closeness anymore. I blamed him for the pain I was experiencing. I wanted a baby so bad! My experience of being pregnant with our first child was amazing, I wanted to experience it again. But there was nothing I could do, except yell and cry!

The country we moved to had countless young girls getting pregnant all the time. I couldn’t understand why they were able to get pregnant so fast and I couldn’t. I would tell God, “Here I am, a Christian woman, with a Christian family, unable to get pregnant and those girls that have nothing get pregnant!” I couldn’t see what part of this picture was fair.

Questions continued to come to us. People would look at our daughter and say, “Only one?” And then we’d answer with "yes, only one!" . Then they would say, “Well, be glad you have one!” Somehow this didn’t make me feel better. I was grateful for one but I wanted more than one! I wanted a house full of children and grandchildren, not just one! Others would say, “Why don’t you just adopt!” As if it was an easy solution.

I absolutely believe in adoption. But I didn’t want to look at it as the "easy" solution. The children’s services told us that adopting a baby was very difficult. Most babies were left in the orphanage until two years old. They told us the best way would be do it privately. Again, we waited, hoping that might happen. We got a couple of phone calls. Our hopes went up, but nothing ever became of them.

I remember crying out to God telling him that if I wasn’t supposed to have more children than please take my desire to nurture more children away! Over the years of trying to conceive, my faith diminished. Hope faded. My dream of having a more children grew more and more distant.

The lingering question was why was I able to get pregnant so fast the first time and not the second? After, 10 years of trying, my husband and I decided to look into it. We went to a fertility doctor. I had a friend who was also having a difficult time conceiving and it was because of her I gathered enough courage to go myself. I was looking for answers as to “why.”

One of the procedures was to check my Fallopian tubes. I remember lying on the examination table, feeling uneasy, not sure what was going to happen. As they shot the blue liquid through my tubes I remember asking God to please help me. The doctor asked me if I had ever gotten my Fallopian tubes checked and if I had a previous surgery. I said no. He said, we’re going to have to shoot the blue liquid through your body again since something isn’t right. My mind went a million directions. I wasn’t sure what he meant. After the procedure was done the second time, the doctor informed me that one of my Fallopian tubes was damaged. As he continued to explain, I could feel my life caving in. I felt dizzy. I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. I left as quickly as I could.

As soon as I got into my car I called my husband to tell him. All I could do was cry and cry and cry. I felt like I had just received the death sentence. My dream of becoming pregnant again was completely gone. Gone forever. There was nothing I could do.

There were also other issues that contributed to not being able to conceive a second time.
Were there options, yes there were. But we didn’t have the resources to pursue them. Emotionally, I was done. I was done fighting. I was done wrestling. I still don’t know when my Fallopian tube got damaged. Only God knows.

Even after I got some answers to my infertility, it still took awhile to come to the point of accepting and trusting God’s will. But over time God has given me more peace.
It’s incredible the pain one feels for someone that one hasn’t even met! A child that one holds in one’s heart and mind. Only those who have gone through it will completely understand this kind of pain. 

But God is gracious and loving. He has used my pain to make me stronger. To build my faith. He has used it to encourage others who also experience infertility.

God has also used my experience to fulfill a dream. The dream of starting El Nido. The dream of working with women and children encouraging, praying and walking along side of them. I believe this has been the calling all along. I just didn’t know it as I was going through it. My pain was not a waste. What the enemy wanted to use for death, God used it for life! I give God ALL the glory


  1. Gloria, this is beautiful. Not your pain, but the beauty th a t God brought from it. May God continue to richly bless your ministry!

  2. Gloria, this is beautiful. Not your pain, but the beauty th a t God brought from it. May God continue to richly bless your ministry!